It’s the summit of world soccer. Third time’s the charm. What could go wrong? Well. . .
Manchester City 2-1 Bournemouth
Oh, this crazy league. Left back Charlie Daniels produced a goal of the season contender in the 13th minute to put the massive underdogs ahead. Gabriel Jesus’s tap-in eight minutes later equalized. This game was destined to be a draw, we all said. Then referee Mike Dean gave ten (!!!) minutes of stoppage time! Raheem Sterling played hero in the seventh minute of these, and was then given a second yellow card and sent off—for running into the crowd in celebration. Cheers, Mike Dean.
Swansea 2-0 Crystal Palace
Loan signing Tammy Abraham volleyed home a spectacular ball from Leroy Fer to open the scoring just before halftime. From there it was all Swansea, and Jordan Ayew’s goal emphasized it.
Huddersfield 0-0 Southampton
Brighton 0-0 Watford
Newcastle 3-0 West Ham
This was a special performance from the recently-promoted Newcastle. Matt Ritchie ran the show, picking up a nice assist to pad his stats. Christian Atsu, Alexander Mitrovic, and Joselu all scored, delivering Slaven Bilic one more conundrum to deal with.
Manchester United 2-0 Leicester City
Ah, yes. Romelu Lukaku missed a penalty, making his FPL owners (like me) furious. Henrikh Mkhitaryan also racked up his fifth assist in three games en route to a dominant win for the Red Devils.
Chelsea 2-0 Everton
Alvaro Morata is enjoying playing in London, isn’t he? The striker racked up another goal and another assist, carrying the Blues to three points. The scoreline may flatter them a bit though. Ashley Williams and Idrissa Gueye were both inches away from changing the landscape of this game.
Liverpool 4-0 Arsenal
Can we just move on?
West Brom 1-1 Stoke
Two boring, park-the-bus sides went up against each other. Both scored crummy goals and parked the bus thereafter. What’s left?
Oh, right. The Baggies signed Kieran Gibbs.
Tottenham 1-1 Burnley
Yes, Clarets! New signing Chris Wood buried a pinpoint pass from Robbie Brady to prolong the “Wembley curse” of Tottenham. Harry Kane still hasn’t scored in any August, ever.
That will do it for this week! If you would enjoy me berating Arsene Wenger’s infinite failings, please leave a like! Transfer deadline day is tomorrow, and Arsenal probably won’t sign anybody. What a time to be a Gunners fan, am I right?