Premier League Gameweek 5 Roundup

Did Romelu Lukaku become the fourth youngest player to score 90 goals in the PL? Could Arsenal keep up with Chelsea without Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez? How would Tottenham perform in their second game at Wembley? We at After The Whistle answer these and many more, as I put my own twist on why Spurs su—er, the week’s happenings. Have fun.

Southampton 1, Crystal Palace 0 

Water is wet. Snow is cold. Crystal Palace still haven’t scored a goal this year.

Water is wet. Snow is cold. Southampton maintained a clean sheet.

In all seriousness, it was a fairly boring game. A moment of magic from Steven Davis spoiled Roy Hodgson’s debut as Palace manager, as the Saints took home all three points.

Huddersfield 1, Leicester City 1

No goals were scored in the first half of this one, and Laurent Depoitre decided to do something. The defender powered into the Leicester penalty box and fired the Terriers in front. The lead lasted four minutes, as Jaime Vardy equalized from the penalty spot.

Bournemouth 2, Brighton 1

Solly March’s 55th minute strike looked to be the game winner for Brighton. . . until Andrew Surman finished spectacularly 12 minutes later, and Jermain Defoe flipped the result on its head. Jordon Ibe was electric, assisting both goals and running the show for Bournemouth.

Burnley 1, Liverpool 1

A rare inclusion in the squad for Scott Arfield proved to be key, as the left mid buried  a shot in the 27th minute. The lead was short lived, as a wayward Emre Can pass found Mohamed Salah, who controlled it well and stroked it past Nick Pope. No other scores were to be had, though Dominic Solanke had a point blank shot saved.

Newcastle 2-1 Stoke City

Chants of “NEWCASTLE ARE FOURTH!” galloped around the stadium as Matt Ritchie once again ran the show for Newcastle, assisting Christian Atsu and Jamaal Lascelles en route to a defeat of Stoke.

Hey, Xherdan Shaqiri scored. For once.

West Brom 0-0 West Ham

Skip.

Tottenham 0-0 Swansea

Ahaha Spurs dropped points AT HOME to SWANSEA.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Manchester City 6-0 Watford

Watford looked helpless. A Sergio Aguero hat trick led the way to a complete battering of Watford—and Pascal’s FPL team.

Arsenal 0-0 Chelsea

You would expect us to get blown out without Ozil and Sanchez. Wrong! The defense held up quite nicely as Arsenal did their best West Brom impression. Chelsea couldn’t get anything going. Come on you Gunners!!

Manchester United 133439—er, 4-0 Everton

Romelu Lukaku is indeed the fourth youngest player to 90 goals in the PL. Everton met their bogey team and got DESTROYED!

 

That about rounds it up. I’d just like to take the end to welcome ArsenalFan9 ( the aforementioned Pascal) to the After the Whistle team!

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Premier League Gameweek 3 Roundup

Harry Kane still has NEVER scored an August goal. SLUMP ALERT!

It’s the summit of world soccer. Third time’s the charm. What could go wrong? Well. . .

 

Manchester City 2-1 Bournemouth

Oh, this crazy league. Left back Charlie Daniels produced a goal of the season contender in the 13th minute to put the massive underdogs ahead. Gabriel Jesus’s tap-in eight minutes later equalized. This game was destined to be a draw, we all said. Then referee Mike Dean gave ten (!!!) minutes of stoppage time! Raheem Sterling played hero in the seventh minute of these, and was then given a second yellow card and sent off—for running into the crowd in celebration. Cheers, Mike Dean.

Swansea 2-0 Crystal Palace

Loan signing Tammy Abraham volleyed home a spectacular ball from Leroy Fer to open the scoring just before halftime. From there it was all Swansea, and Jordan Ayew’s goal emphasized it.

Huddersfield 0-0 Southampton

Skip.

Brighton 0-0 Watford

Skip.

Newcastle 3-0 West Ham

This was a special performance from the recently-promoted Newcastle. Matt Ritchie ran the show, picking up a nice assist to pad his stats. Christian Atsu, Alexander Mitrovic, and Joselu all scored, delivering Slaven Bilic one more conundrum to deal with.

Manchester United 2-0 Leicester City

Ah, yes. Romelu Lukaku missed a penalty, making his FPL owners (like me) furious. Henrikh Mkhitaryan also racked up his fifth assist in three games en route to a dominant win for the Red Devils.

Chelsea 2-0 Everton

Alvaro Morata is enjoying playing in London, isn’t he? The striker racked up another goal and another assist, carrying the Blues to three points. The scoreline may flatter them a bit though. Ashley Williams and Idrissa Gueye were both inches away from changing the landscape of this game.

Liverpool 4-0 Arsenal

Can we just move on?

West Brom 1-1 Stoke

Two boring, park-the-bus sides went up against each other. Both scored crummy goals and parked the bus thereafter. What’s left?

Oh, right. The Baggies signed Kieran Gibbs.

Fun.

Tottenham 1-1 Burnley

Yes, Clarets! New signing Chris Wood buried a pinpoint pass from Robbie Brady to prolong the “Wembley curse” of Tottenham. Harry Kane still hasn’t scored in any August, ever.

 

That will do it for this week! If you would enjoy me berating Arsene Wenger’s infinite  failings, please leave a like! Transfer deadline day is tomorrow, and Arsenal probably won’t sign anybody. What a time to be a Gunners fan, am I right?

Premier League Predictons II: The Europa League race

Yesterday I detailed my predictions for the bottom half of the Premier League table. Today it’s 10-5, the race for the Europa League.

I really like this Newcastle team. Henri Saivet and Tim Krul return from their loans to a side that added Javier Manquillo, Florian Thau—I mean Lejeune, and Mikel Merino. Jonjo Shelvey and Matt Ritchie highlight a midfield that dominated the Championship last year, and that’s just the start. If not for their relative inexperience I would put them higher.

In 9th is West Ham. The Hammers still haven’t replaced Dmitri Payet, and that won’t hinder them to the extreme, but they will be pushed by Newcastle.

In eighth is Southampton. Fraser Forster in goal is never a bad thing, and they won’t be lacking chances in the final third with the likes of Dusan Tadic in the attacking midfield.

Here is where it gets really hard. Chelsea. Arsenal. Manchester City. Manchester United. Tottenham. Everton. Liverpool. All have great squads. All but the Spurs have improved them, and that’s why Tottenham are in seventh. They finished second last year, sure. Their Pythagorean win total placed them at sixth. Mass regression is due, and they’re playing at Wembley. They never do well at Wembley. When all the other top seven sides have boosted their stars and depth, you don’t want to stand pat.

In sixth place, stop me if you’ve heard this before. Perennially underachieving Manchester United won the Europa League last year, and participating in the Champions League this year will be a test for the Red Devils. They lack the squad depth to challenge in the league and in Europe. Despite the signing of Romelu Lukaku, they will still finish sixth.

Look at Everton splashing the cash in the transfer market! Davy Klaassen, Jordan Pickford, and Michael Keane joined early. Then the aforementioned Lukaku left for exactly fourteen times the price Ronald Koeman secured Sandro Ramirez for. Gerard Delofeu’s departure will be a blow, and the squad’s chemistry will suffer for a month or two. However, once they get going, look out!

Tomorrow I will post my top four predictions. As always, leave a like if you enjoyed and your feedback in the comments is appreciated!